Sunday, August 15, 2010

I am Tired....

Thats right. You heard it. I am tired.....

Not in the physical sense. Not, i am exhausted, i work too much and i am constantly exhausted from the labor i physically do each day.

No, Not at all. I am soo tired of life. I am mentally drained and emotionally exhausted. I am sick and tired of excommunicating friends. Annexing off an entire part of my life because i cannot take seeing things that revert to a good, fuck it Great, time i once experienced with someone somewhere.

I fucking hate this. I intentionally segregated myself from such asinine atrocities because i knew of the implications that would unravel. I separated myself intentionally. I was tired of getting hurt, and I felt that Me, I was the reason that i kept finding myself in these intense terrible relationships.

Apparently, my biggest fear, the one thing that i am litterally afraid of, is going to be my inevitable fate. I am going to die alone. So you, the imaginary you considering i know for a fact only one person reads this. you just sit there and think this is utter bullshit. How am i to know so soon in my life that i am going to die alone?

I know this because i spent almost a full year and 7 months, alone.... and in this time, i found out how to live for me. So when i found myself in a situation of a relationship. I knew, or hoped rather that this would be my exception. I did what i never have done. in over 6 years..... I allowed myself to open up to a stranger. and open up i did.

I told this person my fears, weaknesses... my family life, things i havent told my closest of friends. Infact, i made this person my closest friend. And when it got to the point where i would give anything i could fathom to be with... i was tossed aside because they claimed they werent ready.

The funny thing is... when i was told this, i was completly okay with it. Because in a perfect world it makes sense. This however, is not a perfect world. Nor, does anything downriver make sense.

So i was told by the person i care about so much, that she cannot be with me, however she assures me i am a great person. Then my world starts its inevitable downward spiral to depression.

I have always maintained the mindset that if I, or someone breaks up with me, i will excommunicate with that person and remove them from my life.. so i can get over them. But for the first time in almost 10 years i encountered someone that shared nearly everything with me. From personality to art.

When i spent my second day without contact with this person i found out my good friend josh, decided to hang himself.

He told me that he planned it, how he was going to do it. and you know what? MY selfish ignorant ass, pushed him aside because i missed this person so much. In doing so, i regretfully admit that i am responsible for josh's death.

I attended josh's funeral because it was the right thing to do. Still mourning the loss of a person that i connected with and a good friend, my friend mark flies through a windshield and becomes pavement paint.

So my second funeral in a week, on top of a breakup. I say to myself, it cannot get worse.

Then my mentor. My person of sound mind has a heart attack.

I bury shaun. reluctant because i never said a solid good bye. and i mourn shaun at both wakes.

then i find out, in the span of mourning three deaths have you. That the girl, not woman, i care about and hope each day that i find myself back with. Is now with my friend...

I lose all of my support. I lost 3 friends that i talked to on a daily basis for guidance and level headedness. i lose my girlfriend, whome i would do anything for.. and i lose a friend from highschool, whom i cant even go to a bar i frequented weekly for fear that he is working and would spwn more emotion....

This is my luck. Three consequative girlfriends in a row, have dated a friend of mine.

So i am depressed... beyond belief. i have no one to turn to, and i question each one of my friends integrity.

What have i learned?

well one... apparently i am a good, nice, great guy... but not the one they are interested in.

two... I have much more attractive friends then me..

Three... Never open yourself up, to experience hurt.

and yea, im sure this happens to everyone. But it happens more frequently to me.

I wish i could say, that mourning 3 friends deaths, losing a girl i cared about mor ethen myself.. and having to not trust anyone...

I have arrived to say... Everygirl i date, no matter how hard they convince me.... Is exactly, if not damn near close to th eone that preceeded before them..

So if your reading this, im sorry for the rant. However, currently. since im drunk... a bullet is looking mighty tasty.....