Monday, November 23, 2009

My Life... In a Nutshell.

So the 1 person that ever reads this, knows this already, those that dont know me, may find this interesting. Others may think that its a sob fest... to those, go fuck yourselves...

But this is my life story compacted, unspellchecked, as simplistic as it gets.

Prior to my birth i had a sister, who was a year old and was killed by a doctor. My mom and dad settled out of court and got a nice hunk of money. Then they had me. my mom cheated on my dad. they divorced when i was three. Dad gave my mom the ice cream shop, the house, the car, and he took his half from my sisters death and bought a house and car.

My mom was supposed to take her half and set up a college fund for me. she sold off the apartments my dad owned, and the ice cream shop. Then when i was 15 she told me that my college fund had been spent. My mom was a huge druggie. I had seen every drug you can think of done by her. When she told me this i was a C to D student... I got into highschool my freshman year and turned my entire game around. Busted my ass. When i was 15 she kicked me out of my house. We had a huge fight and i told her that she needed to get off of drugs. I have a younger sister from my moms one night stand that i was looking over. She beat the shit out of me and told me to never come back.... This is the last time i ever spoke to her.

I moved in with my dad. Studied my ass off. Graduated from Wyandotte Magna Cum Laude with a 4.2. I got a presidential scholorship from WSU after getting rejected from U of M Ann Arbor for clerical errors on my application. I have been at WSU for 7 years now, im 147 credits complete for a 127 credit BA in Psychology because i cannot fullfill my Language requirement.

My senior year in highschool i fell in love (joke) with a girl and i was with her for 5 years. one day she decided she wanted to go on a break to make us understand how much we meant to one another and we could grow stronger together. I agreed. three days into the break she got engaged to her ex boyfriend from 5 years prior.

I took the engagement ring she never knew about that i had made from my design. Got my deposit back and the full cost of the ring and bought my own house. Never talked to the ex since i found out she got engaged. I spent the next 6 months gutting and rebuilding the house i bought making it my own.

I have been working while finishing my degree at Best buy's Geeksquad doing onsite computer repair at the district level. I have been single now for a year after having 3 terrible relationships since my huge breakup 4 years ago. I am not exagerating when i say terrible relationships. Everything from breaking into my house, to the girl getting cancer and blaming me, to even moving from here to AZ with no notice, and then cheating on me and blaming me for not moving out there with her.

So ive been single now to figure out why i find myself in these situations. Spent a good time just hanging out with friends, analyzing situations, and all out having a good fucking time.

Do to the shit i have seen with my mom, i have never done a single drug. I didnt drink till i was 22, not a drop. and after my huge breakup i got pretty bad. I ended up smoking cigarettes, and that alone is, according to me, my only downfall. I dont chastise people if they have different beliefs, but i am also incredibly strong willed. I do believe in God, but i dont force others to. I dont go to church because others think i should, i go to church when i feel i need to....

My morals are my own, my beliefs are my own. I dont feel its necessary to burden others with my beliefs. but i do expect those i hold close to me to be strong in what they believe in.

Im a psychology major, and as shitty as it sounds i live my passion. I look at everyone incredibly objectively. Everyone has a story and i love to hear it. it is what makes everyone unique. I never have and never will hold someone accountable for their past as that is what makes them who they are now. However, i do not believe that if you do not like your past you shouldnt embrace the bad parts of it and continue to keep ties to the bad areas.

I havent spoken to my mother in over 10 years and i have no ambition to. my immediate family consists of my dad and my aunt. I am the 2nd generation to be born here in the states. i am 100% Sicilian and i embrace every bit of my family. although i dont see either of them as much as i would like to.

I have quite a bit of my past that i am ashamed of, however if i had it to do over i never would, because it is what has made me every bit of the person i am. my friends are my lifeline. they have been there for me through thick and thin and i will never let anyone or anything stand in the way of them.

i am old fashioned. i always have been. opening doors for women, putting myself last before others is carved into my being, but i speak my mind and i dont care who gets offended. respect is earned and not entitled.

I am strong willed, by my beliefs are my own just as others are theirs. i dont play games, i am blunt, and i use my resources and my knowledge to my advantage. i dont believe ignorant is a bad word as we are all ignorant in its own meaning.

people who refuse to better themselves piss me off and i cant stand trend whores. i like punk music, i enjoy tasting beer in all of its aspects and i will never turn down a chance to do something that i havent done as long as it wont impede my future.

I love telling stories. All true, and i have lived an incredibly fullfilling life. I do not fear death because i live my life to its fullest. Not once have i ever regreted the things that i have said or done, however i do regret the things i havent done yet.

One quote that sums up much of how i have thought...

"Objectivity cannot be equated with mental blankness; rather, objectivity resides in recognizing your preferences and then subjecting them to especially harsh scrutiny — and also in a willingness to revise or abandon your theories when the tests fail (as they usually do)."

my life story... in a long, drunken drawn out rant....

Monday, July 20, 2009

My Epihony...


What stories do i have.

I just returned from my glorious well deserved cruise.

The events that taken place once we set sail, and had these particular events not taken place in the exact order they had, none of what had occured would of been possible.

The third day on my glorious cruise was by far the most memorable. I had the pleasure of experiencing what Jim Belushi could only of fathomed in his prime, prior to his tragic death. Those of you that know me well know that for this to have taken place, i must have been beyond drunk and entering a new tier of intoxication. In my drunken wanderings on the boat i found myself stumble into Kalediscope. The on deck "club" that carnival cruiselines grace us with.

So in my drunken lamaize i slither up to a bar stool, my black cub of ambrosia in hand and begin to let the lovely carcinogens of Marlboro inhabit my lungs. The scene if i can draw it for you is a small dance floor the size of a mens bathroom, encompassed by mounted waist level tables, to the corner of the "stage" is a plexiglass cage that the "DJ" spins his beats.

Just over the tables seperated by a 3 ft walkway runs the span of the bar, where a kind philipino man is serving overpriced, underpoured alcoholic beverages.

Well, planted firmly in my chair, i begin to assess the scenery. Words cant really describe the characters present. There is a younger girl, 21-22 blonde hair with black undertones, with her smug stare into oblivion glancing off into the distance giving the oh so familiar "too good for you to try" appearence i have come to be so familiar with.

Adjacent to her is an older lady, mid forties, short hair, conservatively dressed, on the dance floor doing the routine hip sway arm flail known as american dancing.

Behind her is a women easily pushing her seventies, weighing in at a mind blowing 80lbs, two stepping. To grasp the image properly, i need to add that after noticing her, i did a quick scan expecting to see a walker graced with four tennis balls supporting the heels of the structure. I did not...

Now these three.... girls? Ladies? This, trio, rather, is stuck quite closely together so i can only assume they are related in lines of generation. off in the shadows lurks the typical club goers in a group of five that can out dance any one in the club, these five people are the darkest of night but honestly the nicest black people i have met to date. This is not common back home in Detroit.

Not far from the dance floor are tables that line the beer soaked carpet of this wing of the deck, Again, tables secured to the floor to their respected chairs. The only patrons other then myself watching the horror of Kaledescope are two heavyset blonde ladies mid thirties adorning large rocks that help keep the forces of gravity acting upon their left hands.

I extinguish my cancerous treat only to light a fresh stick from the pack when your typical tattoo'd fat man sits next to me. I nod to him as he reveals the four teeth that occupy his mouth. A small quip to start conversation and he mentions how much he would like to dance with one of the black women on the floor. Being in my drunken state and highly suggestable i challenge him to. to which he replies with a large smack to his oversized stomach, he cannot. So i proposition him to go out there so i can get my claws in grandma.

Im on the dance floor for about. ten minutes, dancing with what only appears to be a human suit draped over an eight year old, when the Ugly lights come on. The ten minutes i was on the dance floor the married women with rocks to left of me had unmercifully been finding humor in my bold endeavor. They approach me as the "club" comes to a hault and asks where the party is.

To the best of my knowledge the only place on the ship that still served liquor was closed. They offered the idea of leaving the boat and going to a club on shore. We had been docked in Nassau for about 18 hours at that point, and we had a good 4 hours till the boat left. I expressed the same interest in leaving and even offered to be their escort off and back on the boat when they decided to come back. The lovely ladies names were Mindy and Mellissa.

As we approach the loud bass adorned by such a respectable establishment i count the rats passing on our journey. We climb the steps that lead up to Bambu and settle in at the bar.

I do a quick scan to view my surroundings, i see some of the crew i was drinking with a night prior, a couple of familiar faces from the cruise, and off sitting along the side of the wall i see this girl. For the past two days this girl had crossed my vision easily three to four dozen times. She stands about 5'6 has a dark blonde to light brown hair, shoulder length, her eyes, while brown still seem to cut through the dim lit bar like a semi, but in a soft way. caressing her body is a white skirt that comes about 4 inces above her knees into a thin strap exposing her back and the small tiger tattoo that resides on her shoulder blade.

She catches my eye almost instantly and her eyes meet mine. In a panic i slowly nod my head and turn away. Unknown to me Mellissa had her eyes locked onto me and witnessed this entire event. She pressures me to ask her to dance, and well, even drunk, i cannot do that. I find myself so clammy and frozen when i actually come into contact with someone i find truely beautiful. Back home it never...well Almost never happens. but this is different. I neglect Mellissa's words and continue to just watch Mindy's and her's drinks.

They leave for the dance floor and i join them but quickly return back to the bar when each of them have to go to the bathroom. Like a good little boy i escort them both to the bathroom holding their drinks, and we return to the bar. This is it. Im done, im sick of being the wallflower and just watch these arrogant assholes take reigns on such beautiful women only to have them be tossed aside. i decide then im going to put my self conscious issues aside. I walk the three feet to where this siren is sitting and extend my hand as if asking for a dance. In a moment my enthusiasm for my new found self respect, and courage seems to hit a peak when just as quickly it had came, it passed with a shake of her head and her outstretched arm almost shoo-ing me away.

Like a dog with its tail down, i slump back to the table to finish my beer. Again, Mellissa witnessing the entire ordeal asked me about it to which i could only reply, No worries, she doesnt want to dance. I had been in this situation before. My mind travels to the 8th grade when i asked my then crush to dance and was turned away in the same manner. Lost in the thoughts of my mind and the soon drunk depression that was inevitably setting in i neglected to notice that Mindy had been spotted by a "bro" (Term used to describe club rats that attend with popped collars fake tans). He had been occupying her time and i feel as if i had failed my overall promise to watch over them. Luckily Mellissa had watched over her and her drink and was well on her way to save her friend.

At this point Mindy is being filled in on their new friens rejection when i feel a tug on my shoulder. Behind me awaits the same girl that just turned down my offer, now offering me an oppertunity to dance. Reluctant to go i ask permission to leave to which i was basically thrown on to the dance floor with this girl.

Now. My abilities of a "dancer" are not what you expect. I hav ebeen in clubs and bars enough to know the logistics behind the series of rythmic moves, but to fully understand the capability to which my abilities are of dancing you have to imagine a scranwy man on a dance floor, doing the wave while having a seizure. That is all i can imagine i look like. I have been one to be better with words then i am with dancing. id much so rather would of asked her to dinner, or to coffee in a small bar or coffee shop back home so we could discuss our aspirations and such.

so im there, dancing, or trying to. This is what i wanted though right? i begin to ask her name. Chelsea, escapes her lips as i repeat it four times in my head and associate it to a random object. Thankyou Bestbuy for that excellent strategy in brainwashing i received. She goes on to tell me she just turned 22 tonight! The cruise was booked for her, her best friend Dana, and her mother, She goes to Florida State and lives in Tallahassee(sp?). I nod respectively and continue conversation explaining where i am from. We continue to dance, as chelsea shows that the time to talk is over for now. As she sways her hips i cannot help but be fixated onto her eyes. I can almost feel her looking into my soul seeing my weaknesses and my issues. i keep forgetting to sway or move or what ever. I place my hand on the small of her back in hopes of contracting the rythm that she undoubtably has when i realize i still havent stopped staring into her eyes. our faces are close and suprisingly both in beat to the song when i feel her lips meet mine.

These things do not happen to me. EVER. i never pick up women at the bar, i find that i settle for whatever comes my way. This is something that i have learned in my self proclaimed spirit trip of singleness over the past 8 months. I find myself engrossed in this kiss that seems to have lasted hours, my hand just under the small of her back traces a small triangle of underware below her thinly streched dress. I found myself tracing that small triangle many times all whilst tugging her dress down as not to reveal anything to the rest of the bar.

After a while of dancing we head back to our area. I get nods of approval from both Mindy and Mellissa as i too am just as shocked over what just happend. I walk over to Chelsea's table and am introduced to her friend Dana. Dana is just a hair taller, black hair again shoulder length if not longer, very skinny build, dark complexion, wearing somewhat of a red blouse.

I then get brought by hand to the far open ledge by chelsea as she wants to get some air. and we just talk about where we come from, what we are studying. I find myself engrossed in just watching her lips form the words that she expresses. the way she speaks is soft and slow sure to articulate each word. Much different then what i am used to, going to school in the city where words are scrunched together like sardines in a can that can cut glass with the sharpness of each consonant.

More conversation proceeds, but i see my story already is much longer then i thought, so ill skip the more boring segments. I really didnt realize i had written this much yet.

We find for the second time this night the ugly lights turn on again. Mindy and Mellissa are ready to head back to the ship, its about 5am, the ship is set to leave at 5:30. I ask chelsea if she is coming back to the boat when she tells me that a guy that Dana is talking to wants to show them the beach one last time. I warn her of the time and the implications of being left behind. I suddenly realize that i am not tired but would really like to continue our conversation so i request that once she returns to meet me back near the 24hr pizza bar located on the boat.

I give chelsea one last kiss for the night and gather up Mellissa and Mindy and proceed to leave Bambu. On our walk back to the ship the amount of chatter i get from these two is incredible. Its hard to really contromvent the situation that had just occured but it is so new to me i cant really seem to grasp it myself. The incredibly few that actually read this are nodding their heads because if you look at the situation your still thinking... Nick was at a club? wait, nick actually danced, Holy shit, nick asked someone to dance.... These events never take place for me. but in all honesty i was in a different mindset. i for once wanted to put myself out there. i wanted to experience what i had yet to do.

So i board the boat and i walk both M&M back to their cabin and thank them for the opertunity to leave the boat, go ashore, and have a great time. Unfortunatly at this point, this is the last time i ever saw either of them. which is sad because they were a pivotal part in the coming few days.

As i walked back from the Empress deck of the cruise ship i got for once in a very long time a not so familiar feeling. I felt as if i needed to return to the gangway of the boat and wait for Chelsea and Dana. Now yeah, i have two inhibitions im dealing with in this narrow corrodor of endless doors and walls. Do i be that guy that waits for the girl that randomly kissed him at a club or am i that creeper that just waits. No. I had a gut feeling that i needed to wait behind to ensure that they were safe. complete strangers have you.

i return to the gangway and am scolded by security that the boat is 15 minutes from departure. I assure them i am not leaving, only waiting. I walk down the gangway and to a tree enclosure elevated a good 2 feet off the ground. In the middle of this concrete square is a small patch of dirt and another palm tree that so abundantly inhabits this area.

I sit on this small ledge and just wait. About ten minutes pass of me singing to myself when i see the white short dress of chelsea walking along the dock to the boat.....alone. as she nears i stand up and give her a hug. surprisingly she was impressed to see me. We dont exchange immediately why i was there only that Dana is going to be on her way when i explain to her that she has about 5 minutes till we are asked to board so the boat can set sail.

i opt for her and i to wait outside, as this gives us time to talk and i can remove her mind from the issue that her incredibly tardy friend may possibly be left behind. So we discuss my beliefs, and her tattoo's why she got them. The tiger is significant and impulsive on her own. to me i see it as a very symbolic gesture that demonstrates the constitution of such a passive person. This leads into my tattoo's. Unfortunate to say when taken for face value and explained the meaning. my markings are interpreted rather poorly. but i understand so i begin to explain why and the meanings.

hours again only transform into minutes when we are approached by security and are told we need to wait on the boat. so we pass the gangway and the security scanners to await for dana's return when we are asked to retrieve her passport and her ID.

At this point the gravity of the situation seems to set in with chelsea. we return to chelsea's cabin so she can get the requested documents and on our walk back to the gangway she explains the ramifications of her mom finding out and the resulting actions. most understandable.

we return wit the supplied information and chelsea gives a discription of her friend and the estimated place of her whearabouts to the agent from the U.S. embassy. As the crew begin to dismantle the gangway chelseas once carefree expression begins to fade as her beautiful eyes start to swell with tears. being in the situation of not only a stranger but one not familiar with how to handle this i do the only thing i know to and put my arm around her. Her face falls into the small of my collar, the spot where my shoulder meets my chest and a fully extended arm around her fits so perfectly. I feel the gasps of air and panic ripple through my torso as chelsea cries and weeps in my arms. I tell her that it will be okay, Dana will come back and she will be fine. In reality i hope that i am not lying to her. The gangway is almost removed when the head of security approaches us with his heavy accent and says, The embassy agent just called. they found her. only minutes pass but an eternity to chelsea as the tear soaked stains in my shirt can tell when dana arrives in a small white golf cart. she makes her way to the boat and is scanned by security. a relief from panic escapes through chelseas mouth in the form of a shrill cry as she embraces her friend. Dana assures her that everything is fine, and she had fallen asleep on the beach when she heard the official screaming her first and last name. at that point dana awoke, scared and in panic ran back to the boat to be escorted by Embassy offcials.

the gangway was brought in and the side of the boat secured as i hug dana and tell her my happiness for her return. At this point its about 5 to ten after six am. I suggest we return topside to the boat and watch the sun rise. we leave the bottom swell of the boat and go up six levels to the top deck where i arrange three lounge chairs and we begin to reminice of the events that just took place. I explain my feeling to wait, regardless of how i was viewed or how i believed i would be viewed. I was graciously thanked when Chelsea explains to dana had i not waited, she would of returned to her cabin and went to sleep leaving her friend ashore.

I tell them both that we cannot deal in what-if's we must think about the here and now. and although the tragic situation has passed, a great story has just came about it. The sun rose from the eastern sky and although hazy from the overcast in the distance still made its display of deep reds and purples as light filled the endless black sky. Chelsea and Dana have to leave now so their mom doesnt find out about the entire ordeal and they make it to their Massage in under an hour.

I walk the girls back to their cabin. and say my goodbyes. and tred on back to my room.

The following day i awake at the bright time of 2pm. the latest i slept in yet. find my boardshorts and make my way to the top deck where i am sure everyone is. I find them rear of the boat top deck and i immediately get shit for sleeping in so late. I explain my epic story in detail to which no one believes.

Everyone decides to leave then to eat and prepare for dinner. I stay up top and just relax in the sun. After a short time i notice Dana and Chelsea accross the deck and chelsea comes over. I give her a hug and we talk about the previous night.

I walk over and say hi to Dana and am introduced to Suzanne, chelsea's mom. We speak briefly and i demonstrate the respect and kindness that was battered into my old traditional lifestyle i was forced to live. As we talked the ships PA announced that the NASA shuttle launch was about to take place. So we made our way to the top most part of the boat.

This experience was like no other. Granted the launch itself only looked like a small jet plane taking off accross the sky, the fact that i was able to witness a space shuttle launch in and of itself was quite remarkable. and that i got to witness it with such a beautiful person by my side...

Anyways, i leave to get ready for dinner. I had only one other brief encounter with the two girls that night and i wish i could give you some great and sappy tale of how i continued to talk to chelsea, and we kept in touch. I simply chickened out and asked for but her full name to find her on whatever social networking site she may be affiliated. This is where i stand now. I wish i could tell you this particular story was the start of a long journey, but that is for only the future to tell. For now i sit behind the white glow of my computer typing my mind ten pages at a time to the best of my memory.

So, you took the time to read this. where is my ephiony? where is the story lead? I realized that night that we so often do not listen to our gut feelings and allow our inhibitions to control the very things we do. The events that played out happened sequentially for a reason. I was able to meet, conversate, and help such a beautiful girl, all because i put my emotions and self conscious rights aside. Will i do it again? well that is dependant on the amount i drink im sure, but yes, i will in time. I think im going to reflect for a bit.

So i know this one was a long read. but none the less i think it was entertaining:)

At least i made a difference...

Written May 30th 2009

So today i realized, for the first time in a long time people actually take alot of what i say to heart.

i have already done and discredited myself of ever saying anything profound to people primarily because i dont even live by my own advise.

I put myself in situations of extremes. i find myself caring for others far more then i even care for myself. and when other people run into a situation what do i tell them? Look out for number one. worry about yourself and deal with your own issues before you try to deal with someone elses. Control your controlables. Shit, i neglect to realize how difficult it is to even distinguish your own controlables. What the hell do we have control of? Sure as hell not much..

Anyways, back to the "note/blog" at hand. This week alone, in passing i had a friend that i have known the better part of ten years completly change his direction in life to become a zoo-ologist specializing in large cats (leopards, lions, cheetahs).

Another person finds himself in financial termoil 7 months ago and i mention perhaps persuing a CCNA (Cisco Certified Network Analysist) and come to find out now hes paying for classes to get his certificate.

A Close friend of mine from college was going through hard times and i just explained that above all things happiness of yourself means more then the happiness of others. Its a stress reliever and putting your own well being on the line doesnt make you happier your sacrificing your own happiness for others.

and then my best friend. the only person that has been with me through my high and lows. i lived with him for a while. I told him to neglect what anyone says. be happy and cherish your happiness because it isnt something anyone will ever be able to compare to. he is marrying the person that he truely is happy with.

so then there is me. I sit here. alone, in a house that is my coffin. I have my friends and my family but yet i still feel empty nearly every night. Why is it i can give this advise to people but yet i cant seem to ever follow my own words. I lack true happiness in myself.

I dont believe in love. I havent in such a long time its like why do i even bother attempting to find it. I hear of divorce and people growing apart. People falling out of love. What the hell is that. If you love someone you fucking love them. there is no falling away from them. if you dont love them you dont marry them.

Heh, watch 30 years from now ill even find myself in a divorce. It feels so hard to give all thise advise, not follow it myself and still not feel like the worst hypocrite this side of downriver.

I hear almost once a month about people i know passing away. and then i hear, oh yeah they overdosed on this, Is that so hard to believe? Josh Wilson, Danny Albright, Richie Robeleski, and Nick Molishas. One year has passed, thats 4 people i knew that have Overdosed. Who was there for them, who helped these people. What is to say that shit just got too overwhelming for them. Who the fuck is next?

Hindsight is always 20/20 we look back on the mistakes of others, ourselves and we only wish that we can get through the grind of everyday life. Work our asses off to succeed day by day, and get by in this crumbling economy. Work hard, get rewarded, study, reap the benefits. If you put your mind to anything you will succeed. if you want it bad enough you can achieve your goals. When do these Idioms no longer apply? I have worked my ass off for everything i have ever earned. When do i get to just take a break? who says i even deserve a break?

Everything is so ass backwards right now. And to make things worse it seems so incredibly difficult to actually obtain these outraguous goals. The people i know, hell the people i talk to on a daily basis, each and every person that reads this bullshit i write is capable of doing and achieving far more then what they are getting right now. but where are we all?

We, downriver, and im talking to everyone reading this. Are "Living the Dream". We are living a fucking nightmare. and if you can provide me with any point explaining how we arent i will renounce this entire fucking bullshit emo rant ive raped the what, 4 minutes of your time it took to read.

Anyways. Stay classy downriver. im sure ill see you around.

Once in a While....

Written March 18th 2009

Every once and a while someone comes into your life that makes such an impact you hardly even recognize the changes that took place as a result.

For the few of you that read this that actually know me, you will know that i am incredibly reserved. i make comments that are more times then not uncalled for, relentless and more time then not very rude. However, not once have i spoken in times a truth that needed not be unsaid. i am very blunt with my words. Unfortunatly that is my personal flaw and my unique characteristic that makes me me. This is my delimma.

I have run into a situation as of late i do not know how to handle. Someone came into my life and has made much more of an impact then even i knew possible. I only met this person with such a brief period but i had taken each word to heart. she affected what i did in such a mannor that in such a short time i literally changed my lifestyle.

This person is my friend Nate (kalgorn), his mother. I unfortunatly only had the pleasure of meeting her only once. However her enthusiasm, and overall power of life had overwhelmed my core. She made such an impact in such a passive way that today i still remember her.

This has opened my eyes beyond anything that i personally am able to explain.

It is such a shame that death allows us to so easily evaulate our lives to the point of existance. Why are we here. what impacts do we make? well, judging by my current profile picture, i leave the impact that im an asshole. and to be honest that isnt what i want to portray.

I really dont want people to think i am an asshole. When i pass i want people to only tell the truth about me. I am a man of my word. This is how i was raised. I do my best to uphold every promise i give, every plan that i make regardless how little it may seem. I do whatever is within my power to make everyone happy, even if it is at the cost of my own happiness.

My friends have always meant the world to me. and i have done nothing short of making sure each one of them are aware of this.

My life, in its smallest of essence, is nothing without my friends. Which is sad, but true.

I am a very lonely person as much as it hurts to say. I am a person that doesnt believe in love. and i struggle so hard to uphold my religion and believe in a god. to believe in a god so fierce that will allow such a good person to endure such pain for so long. i see these people and the families they have, and i honestly i wish, i hope that i can take all of their pain away and i would walk these lines, i will endure this pain so they dont have to.

I have almost accepted the fact that i indeed will leave this place the way i came in. Alone. and although this is my biggest all fears it is something we all must come to terms with. and that i have.

i just only wish no more of my close friends will have to ever experience the pain and suffering of losing someone close. because this is something that i myself do not know how to help. No schooling, nothing, nothing can educate you on how to take this away.

I only hope i can be but a bystandard to help my friends go forward. allow them to know i am here for them, and will always be.

This past week, a wonderful woman was called. she was one of very few women that will ever touch me in a way i will never forget regardless how short i knew her. I will never forget the mark she has made in my life, on my heart. and the impact she will continue to make in my life. The family that she has been survived by will forever remember her memory. As i will make sure i allow her memory to live on through me.

And i only hope. I pray, and Jesus do i pray. that I somewhere will make an impact on someone as she has made on me.

Denise Elliot, you have been in my thoughts, and my prayers, and i hope nothing but the best for your family.

I will always be here for each of my friends, and never will i take my family or anyone else for granted.

We shape the lives of the people we encounter whether we like it or not. The impact we leave on them, is the only legacy we will ever leave behind.