Written May 30th 2009
So today i realized, for the first time in a long time people actually take alot of what i say to heart.
i have already done and discredited myself of ever saying anything profound to people primarily because i dont even live by my own advise.
I put myself in situations of extremes. i find myself caring for others far more then i even care for myself. and when other people run into a situation what do i tell them? Look out for number one. worry about yourself and deal with your own issues before you try to deal with someone elses. Control your controlables. Shit, i neglect to realize how difficult it is to even distinguish your own controlables. What the hell do we have control of? Sure as hell not much..
Anyways, back to the "note/blog" at hand. This week alone, in passing i had a friend that i have known the better part of ten years completly change his direction in life to become a zoo-ologist specializing in large cats (leopards, lions, cheetahs).
Another person finds himself in financial termoil 7 months ago and i mention perhaps persuing a CCNA (Cisco Certified Network Analysist) and come to find out now hes paying for classes to get his certificate.
A Close friend of mine from college was going through hard times and i just explained that above all things happiness of yourself means more then the happiness of others. Its a stress reliever and putting your own well being on the line doesnt make you happier your sacrificing your own happiness for others.
and then my best friend. the only person that has been with me through my high and lows. i lived with him for a while. I told him to neglect what anyone says. be happy and cherish your happiness because it isnt something anyone will ever be able to compare to. he is marrying the person that he truely is happy with.
so then there is me. I sit here. alone, in a house that is my coffin. I have my friends and my family but yet i still feel empty nearly every night. Why is it i can give this advise to people but yet i cant seem to ever follow my own words. I lack true happiness in myself.
I dont believe in love. I havent in such a long time its like why do i even bother attempting to find it. I hear of divorce and people growing apart. People falling out of love. What the hell is that. If you love someone you fucking love them. there is no falling away from them. if you dont love them you dont marry them.
Heh, watch 30 years from now ill even find myself in a divorce. It feels so hard to give all thise advise, not follow it myself and still not feel like the worst hypocrite this side of downriver.
I hear almost once a month about people i know passing away. and then i hear, oh yeah they overdosed on this, Is that so hard to believe? Josh Wilson, Danny Albright, Richie Robeleski, and Nick Molishas. One year has passed, thats 4 people i knew that have Overdosed. Who was there for them, who helped these people. What is to say that shit just got too overwhelming for them. Who the fuck is next?
Hindsight is always 20/20 we look back on the mistakes of others, ourselves and we only wish that we can get through the grind of everyday life. Work our asses off to succeed day by day, and get by in this crumbling economy. Work hard, get rewarded, study, reap the benefits. If you put your mind to anything you will succeed. if you want it bad enough you can achieve your goals. When do these Idioms no longer apply? I have worked my ass off for everything i have ever earned. When do i get to just take a break? who says i even deserve a break?
Everything is so ass backwards right now. And to make things worse it seems so incredibly difficult to actually obtain these outraguous goals. The people i know, hell the people i talk to on a daily basis, each and every person that reads this bullshit i write is capable of doing and achieving far more then what they are getting right now. but where are we all?
We, downriver, and im talking to everyone reading this. Are "Living the Dream". We are living a fucking nightmare. and if you can provide me with any point explaining how we arent i will renounce this entire fucking bullshit emo rant ive raped the what, 4 minutes of your time it took to read.
Anyways. Stay classy downriver. im sure ill see you around.