A year ago today

A year ago today, the span of me being a good person backfired on me.

I took in a derelect of a person because her son and herself had no other place to go. I gave them food, shelter, and a warm place to stay. In return i expected something as basic as respect and eventually some income. I received neither.

I had never experienced such a travesty of an experience in my life. To the core, i was broken down, mentally and physically to financially keep myself above water. She pushed me to the limit.

At the near end of her tyrade into my home, i met one of the best things to happen to me. Go figure its a girl. She brought me out of a terrible depression and allowed me to see that i could care for someone again.

Then she trampled upon me. Took my heart and ran it through a garbage disposal.

5 months later where do i stand? Much better then 5 months ago. The advice id heard... "trying to forget the ones you loved is like trying to remember someone you never met."

"there are other fish in the sea"

"karma will reward you"

Fuck that all. Its hard to just toss it aside, and its even harder to go through these holidays still alone.

I feel like a whiney little bitch. But i know that ill get over all this shit. and i know it will take time.

But time is a bitch. It always has been.

anyways...

Enough with this e-mo stuff.

Anyone have an idea when Hulu and Xfinity will create a PS3 app without a monthly fee? or better yet when PS3 will allow for Flash based html5 movies to be played on their browser? It would be greately appreciated if anyone has tips. Ive exhausted Netflix for all the shows that are interested. It seems that the Xfinity/comcast partnership is all i have left and i dont want to hook a computer to my tv.

Or... Reccomend me some good netflix instant streaming shows worth while.

I am Tired....

Thats right. You heard it. I am tired.....

Not in the physical sense. Not, i am exhausted, i work too much and i am constantly exhausted from the labor i physically do each day.

No, Not at all. I am soo tired of life. I am mentally drained and emotionally exhausted. I am sick and tired of excommunicating friends. Annexing off an entire part of my life because i cannot take seeing things that revert to a good, fuck it Great, time i once experienced with someone somewhere.

I fucking hate this. I intentionally segregated myself from such asinine atrocities because i knew of the implications that would unravel. I separated myself intentionally. I was tired of getting hurt, and I felt that Me, I was the reason that i kept finding myself in these intense terrible relationships.

Apparently, my biggest fear, the one thing that i am litterally afraid of, is going to be my inevitable fate. I am going to die alone. So you, the imaginary you considering i know for a fact only one person reads this. you just sit there and think this is utter bullshit. How am i to know so soon in my life that i am going to die alone?

I know this because i spent almost a full year and 7 months, alone.... and in this time, i found out how to live for me. So when i found myself in a situation of a relationship. I knew, or hoped rather that this would be my exception. I did what i never have done. in over 6 years..... I allowed myself to open up to a stranger. and open up i did.

I told this person my fears, weaknesses... my family life, things i havent told my closest of friends. Infact, i made this person my closest friend. And when it got to the point where i would give anything i could fathom to be with... i was tossed aside because they claimed they werent ready.

The funny thing is... when i was told this, i was completly okay with it. Because in a perfect world it makes sense. This however, is not a perfect world. Nor, does anything downriver make sense.

So i was told by the person i care about so much, that she cannot be with me, however she assures me i am a great person. Then my world starts its inevitable downward spiral to depression.

I have always maintained the mindset that if I, or someone breaks up with me, i will excommunicate with that person and remove them from my life.. so i can get over them. But for the first time in almost 10 years i encountered someone that shared nearly everything with me. From personality to art.

When i spent my second day without contact with this person i found out my good friend josh, decided to hang himself.

He told me that he planned it, how he was going to do it. and you know what? MY selfish ignorant ass, pushed him aside because i missed this person so much. In doing so, i regretfully admit that i am responsible for josh's death.

I attended josh's funeral because it was the right thing to do. Still mourning the loss of a person that i connected with and a good friend, my friend mark flies through a windshield and becomes pavement paint.

So my second funeral in a week, on top of a breakup. I say to myself, it cannot get worse.

Then my mentor. My person of sound mind has a heart attack.

I bury shaun. reluctant because i never said a solid good bye. and i mourn shaun at both wakes.

then i find out, in the span of mourning three deaths have you. That the girl, not woman, i care about and hope each day that i find myself back with. Is now with my friend...

I lose all of my support. I lost 3 friends that i talked to on a daily basis for guidance and level headedness. i lose my girlfriend, whome i would do anything for.. and i lose a friend from highschool, whom i cant even go to a bar i frequented weekly for fear that he is working and would spwn more emotion....

This is my luck. Three consequative girlfriends in a row, have dated a friend of mine.

So i am depressed... beyond belief. i have no one to turn to, and i question each one of my friends integrity.

What have i learned?

well one... apparently i am a good, nice, great guy... but not the one they are interested in.

two... I have much more attractive friends then me..

Three... Never open yourself up, to experience hurt.

and yea, im sure this happens to everyone. But it happens more frequently to me.

I wish i could say, that mourning 3 friends deaths, losing a girl i cared about mor ethen myself.. and having to not trust anyone...

I have arrived to say... Everygirl i date, no matter how hard they convince me.... Is exactly, if not damn near close to th eone that preceeded before them..

So if your reading this, im sorry for the rant. However, currently. since im drunk... a bullet is looking mighty tasty.....

Again...

The world is a wonderful place. The amount of people you meet, the places you can visit, the sights you can see. But none of them really matter when you become a prisoner in your own mind. A mind indeed is a terrible thing to waste, but its a worse place to live.

The weird and trying ability that your mind has to be able to take control of your thoughts, rational and irrational is uncanny. You can be perfectly fine one day, and the next your thoughts are in utter turmoil surrounded only by a single negative thought. And each specific thing that tries to enter your head is shadowed or screened by negativity.

Friends, family, movies, games, nothing can occupy your mind. You are forever trapped.

Decartes once had a similar state of depression but on a larger scale. He worried that he couldnt understand or distinguish between reality and dream, and on a bigger scale worried that he was only a pawn in another persons dream. He put himself into solitude to help analyze his thoughts into a more rational construct. He Wrote down his findings and labeled them as meditations.

He concluded that as much as we would love to claim, or express that we are in control of what we do, we truely are not. Our mind directs our thoughts, actions, and talents and allows us to achieve what we never thought possible. Decartes drew us a picture of a small person, inside of our heads with a controller, external to our own consciousness. He stated that our mind, has its own mind.

Now an average person may think this is utter bunk. Bullhonky (yep, i said bullhonky). But you cannot truely grasp this concept untill you have had a stroke of depression. Im well aware of chemical imbalances, neurons, synapes, Basal Ganglia, and reuptake inhibitors. The science behind it is irrelevant, because the "scientific solution" is to medicate. It hasnt been since Decartes that someone actually tried to explain the thought behind thinking.

I remind myself, almost on a daily basis how i had overcame my own depression, without the use of drugs, or any type of behavior modifying techniques. Im proud of that. Incredibly proud, that i was able to conqour my own terrible thoughts.

I find myself yet again in this same situtation, attempting to conquor my own thoughts.

How does this become so. You would think after so long and so many different heartaches i would either be more guarded, or at least desensitized to this. but im not.

So why arent i more guarded? Because its bullshit to have to make someone else pay for the mistakes of your past. I am who i am because of my past. Take me or leave me. Dont waste my time, and i promise, i will not waste yours.

But dont put up guards in return. Im the same person today, as i was 8 years ago. I may be a little more voicetrous. But, i still have the same morals, values, and ethics.

Anyways... one of my best friends is getting married tomorrow. I have to suck up my thoughts, get through tomorrow, and just hope, by this time next week i am not in this terrible rut.

Quotes

Its Funny, I find myself in situations that i dont know how i got into them. I dont understand the pretense and i dont understand how my actions get so far unraveled. But i know that my intentions have always been good. Maybe one day, The truth of my actions will come out, and when it does, ill probably have a better life. But leading up to that time, it most likely isnt going to happen soon, shortly, or even in an immediate long term instance.

I find myself living for my friends, taking little consideration into how i actually feel about the subject matter but very rarely allowing my actions to overtake my morals and values. But even still i find myself not living the advice i seem to give to other people. Stand Firm, Hold your ground, Dont let others step on you. All very basic ideas and simple words to say, but to impliment such words into action seems to be more trying then not.

For what is a man to gain, when he inherits the world, but loses his soul.

I see this quote, and it speaks to me. How often do you, the reader have something that speaks to you, let alone a quote? Hopefully often. Quotes often by well known authors, historians, doctors and leaders, seem to relinquish doubt, and ambiguity in my life that i feel is utterly unfitting of my position. Questions of time, stresses of the future can be resolved by simple quotes. One line sentences, arranged in a sense to put life in perspective.

Its disheartening to know that in my lifetime, i will never have the impact on as many people as one sentence written by these people has had on the world.

So what quotes, what other amazing things will i find myself reading in the next ten years? Ten years prior i had pages and pages of quotes i could recite for hours, inspirational sayings, things to allow us to cope. Allow us to deal with times we dont know how to deal with. These are the words, these are the sentences that get us by. The few of us who would rather read a book then talk about our feelings. The select few of us who would rather entrust our stresses of the world in a leather bound 15$ article, then to take the risk of a friend judging us.

I wish you could read a book by its cover, or a person by they're face. I wish i had the answers, i wish i had the knowledge to know what to do next. Above all else. I wish i could find the words i need to say, to make everything right with everyone...