The weird and trying ability that your mind has to be able to take control of your thoughts, rational and irrational is uncanny. You can be perfectly fine one day, and the next your thoughts are in utter turmoil surrounded only by a single negative thought. And each specific thing that tries to enter your head is shadowed or screened by negativity.
Friends, family, movies, games, nothing can occupy your mind. You are forever trapped.
Decartes once had a similar state of depression but on a larger scale. He worried that he couldnt understand or distinguish between reality and dream, and on a bigger scale worried that he was only a pawn in another persons dream. He put himself into solitude to help analyze his thoughts into a more rational construct. He Wrote down his findings and labeled them as meditations.
He concluded that as much as we would love to claim, or express that we are in control of what we do, we truely are not. Our mind directs our thoughts, actions, and talents and allows us to achieve what we never thought possible. Decartes drew us a picture of a small person, inside of our heads with a controller, external to our own consciousness. He stated that our mind, has its own mind.
Now an average person may think this is utter bunk. Bullhonky (yep, i said bullhonky). But you cannot truely grasp this concept untill you have had a stroke of depression. Im well aware of chemical imbalances, neurons, synapes, Basal Ganglia, and reuptake inhibitors. The science behind it is irrelevant, because the "scientific solution" is to medicate. It hasnt been since Decartes that someone actually tried to explain the thought behind thinking.
I remind myself, almost on a daily basis how i had overcame my own depression, without the use of drugs, or any type of behavior modifying techniques. Im proud of that. Incredibly proud, that i was able to conqour my own terrible thoughts.
I find myself yet again in this same situtation, attempting to conquor my own thoughts.
How does this become so. You would think after so long and so many different heartaches i would either be more guarded, or at least desensitized to this. but im not.
So why arent i more guarded? Because its bullshit to have to make someone else pay for the mistakes of your past. I am who i am because of my past. Take me or leave me. Dont waste my time, and i promise, i will not waste yours.
But dont put up guards in return. Im the same person today, as i was 8 years ago. I may be a little more voicetrous. But, i still have the same morals, values, and ethics.
Anyways... one of my best friends is getting married tomorrow. I have to suck up my thoughts, get through tomorrow, and just hope, by this time next week i am not in this terrible rut.